Glow Amidst the Darkness of the Night

by Deedee Connors

As she has always done for a year now, she wakes up early in the morning to take care of the mundane things that comforts her family. Ionna is always a picture of hope and determination. No matter what came her way, be it good or bad, she always had a way in handling it in her own very unique way. She looks at life as floral garden where the continuous cultivation must be done to obtain the maximum beauty of flowers she planted. She always sees colours even amongst the green shrubberies. She is always hopeful regarding that in everyone there is the beauty hidden inside no matter how the surface presents. She finds friends everywhere and inspires those who are in the verge of losing hope. Her positive outlook in life brought so much life to her friends. Her kindness was beyond anyone could hope for and imagined. Most mistook her kindness as stupidity and naivety. Sadly, these qualities that I wish I could have had just a fraction were the very reason why Ionna is entombed to the unfairness of life.

It would have been a year ago since I last saw her. I remember chatting with her through the night. She was very excited about her move and being in a new surroundings. I remember how she described her new home. She said, “ If paradise is for drones, then I want to be amongst them.” I almost fell off my chair from laughing. I said, that is a way too descriptive for me. She followed to persuade me to go and visit her in her new home. I have always known her to be this easy-going lady but never have I expected to hear so much joy and glee from her voice, her eyes lit to spark even the darkest of the night about her new adventure away from the whistle and bustle of her old life. I thought to myself, this is the woman who said she would never leave her comfort zone yet at the drop of a hat she moved to follow the love of her life.

I was a little apprehensive about the suddenness of the whole thing but I have always put my trust in the wholeness of her good judgment. Somehow for some apparent reason or the other, I have always felt this tingling pinch on my chest each time I hear her happiness. It is almost as if this was a prelude to a storm that would somehow demolish the totality of the extravagance of her glorious glee. I did not want her to sense my paranoia so I went along and celebrated her happiness. I miss her dearly, yes that was probably the reason why I was not fully feeling the joy she felt. Not having her around put a void in my day-to-day existence. I have always been around her for the past 15 years I have known her. She has always been there for me even during the darkest and the most treacherous trials I had to face. She was everything I wish I could have been. Her strength reverberates and serves as pathogens of hope to those of us who are somewhat weak. I have always felt like she was too good for her other half. But then again that is what you feel when you hold someone like Ionna into such high regard. It was not my friendship with her merely that saw how good she is. But I saw the affect on people when she graces them with her presence. Her generousity is beyond compare. At times I thought that there must be something hidden in the depths of her in that this goodness in the surface is a way in trying to envelope her pain. Yes, I am paranoid. Maybe because I care so much about her, I want no pain and disappointment to ever brace her. Yes, I am very protective of my friend.

Then weeks ago the brilliance of the sun completely brought darkness to my folding world. Ionna has gone and never utter the word goodbye to anyone. It was not very like her to just disappear without saying a word to any of her friends. She gave no indications that things were not right with her life. I am not certain how she managed to cover her pain and internalize them all. She told no one about her unhappiness that started to unravel right before her the moment she moved away. All I heard was how perfect her life was with her husband. How much she enjoys being a homemaker and a soccer Mum. There was not a single sign that would somehow reveal her true feelings. What kind of a friend am I to miss the most important detail from the friend I have thought I knew so well. Questions started to fall in queue in my mind. Blames arose greatly. But to whom should I lay the anger I feel inside me. What happened there? Why did I miss the signal that my friend was trying to send me? She needed help and yet I was not there to lend mine when she was in need. What kind of a friend was I? What made her go the extreme in taking that fatal plunge in that fateful night? What happened in her household that resulted her to crack into a senseless decision of taking her own life? She loved her husband and her child more than she could love herself. She lived for them. They were her every breath. She gave up everything she had known about life to be with them. I know that she sacrificed her own happiness to make them happy. But why would she end it all in just a moment like that?

Ah, the rain is such a welcome sight for me as I trudge along the riverbanks of the Hudson. The raindrops get bigger, drench me soaking wet like I just swam across the river. I close my eyes and wish the water could wash away the heaviness of my sadness and sorrow. Emptiness slowly cocooned my wondering soul. I wander around in a senseless direction as if to seek answers to all the queries I have been raising in my mind. I sat down on a bench overlooking the vastness of the city. I want to get lost momentarily amongst the flocks of birds that now dim and hover the already cloudy sky above me. Looking up in the sky, my tears meet the rain as if to join forces and avenge my pain. I tremble not from the breezy cold snap of an early October morning but from the fury that now slowly fumes my sense of tranquility. What do I mourn more? Is it the lost of an incredible person or my inability to extend myself when I was direly needed? I want to submerge my whole being in the abyss of nothingness in hopes that what I now feel is simply a bad dream I incur from a long deep sleep.

Ionna was an every sense of a wonder. Those she loved and dedicated her brief stay here on earth were so fortunate. But those were the very people who never saw the type of a person she was. She hid her displeasure and remarkably continued to keep things in order for her family. She never wanted to burden anyone with any of her complaints so she withheld such sorrow and loneliness until it reached to a magnitude her strength could no longer bear. She always sought for love and affection, for some reason she had difficulty in her quest for something so simple to give to such a gentle soul like she was. I want to bring back my steps to the time when she and I shared laughter until the sun shone upon us. How ironic is it to feel so alone amidst the so-called comfort of your family? She had in passing told me on occasions such statement like “ I am an outsider in my own family.” I never once stopped and think what she meant by that. All I saw was the superficiality of her happiness. I failed to look into her eyes and see through what really was happening to my friend.

My bitterness over the lost of my friend sprawled upon the vastness of the world that I now see as foreign. My rage exhumes a whole meaning of revenge. But to whom should I implore this anger I fiercely feel? Was it her refusal to seek a friend’s comfort when she thought she needed some? Or was it her husband’s callousness and ineptitude to give back what she longed for? She did not ask for much in return, in fact she did not ask for anything. She was the one who gave and gave.

A Reflection

Anonymous

I was at an airport coffee shop waiting for my flight, eyes glued to my book, “Hillside landscaping” a soft voice said, “Nice book, my husband had that too.” "Had?", I asked. "Yes, he is gone, was not able to finish his project", she said. I sensed loneliness in her voice as she tried to finish her sentence. "I am sorry to hear that…". "No, don’t be, he was happy even at his last moment. He was 67 when he passed away, a year ago." I looked at her, she could not be more than 40, size 7, 110 about 5’4” in flat shoes and very regal looking. Sporting a blue blazer and khaki pants, "You shop at Talbot", I said. "Must be your wife’s shop too", she said with a smile. She was looking at my finger where my college ring is instead of my wedding ring. "Oh, yes, she is at home recuperating", I said. She looked at the clock, "Oh! Gotta go, I am heading to Chicago. Good luck and take care of your wife." She grabbed my hand and handed her calling card as she walked away. I couldn’t help but follow her with my eyes as she faded among the crowd. A devilish thought crossed my mind, but instead of keeping the card, I tossed it away.

It was a two-day business trip. I couldn’t wait to get home. For two days, I reflected on my life and what lies ahead of me. My boys are gone, both on their own – all the promises I made to my wife had been accomplished. My spare time is consumed by the landscaping in progress and my penchant for carpentry. As I entered the house, my wife greeted me with a kiss. I looked at her and couldn’t tell whether she is in pain as she never complained. This is her second bout with cancer and just a week ago she was in the hospital. She underwent a mastectomy and still with drainage attached to her body. A year ago, she was confined in a hospital for broken femur and took couple of months to recover. Ten years ago, she had the same procedure, right mastectomy, and she had fully recovered.

That evening I cooked bitter melon with shrimps, her favorite. As we were eating, I asked her if she wanted to go to California for a trip with me. It will be a mini-vacation except for three full conference days. I gave her a set of Mikimoto pearl earrings and necklace, something that she had been eyeing. She looked at me and laughed, you are up to something, she said. No, it just looks good on you with your black outfit, I said. She did not finish the glass of Peju Liana, a late harvest wine, and I poured it with mine not wasting it.

After dinner, I excused myself to light a cigar – a reward to myself. She joined me at the porch and we talked of the days when we just started, a multi-colored car, under the constant surveillance of a tow truck, a studio apartment where you can view the whole living quarters including the kitchen. She held my hand and said, if I don’t make it, I want you to get married again. I know you will not have a problem looking for one, she said with a smile. She complained of the cigar smell, I hope you will quit those cigars, she said, as she left to retire for the night.

I have known her for 37 years now, including the four years of dating prior to marriage. She was petite, beautiful in a frail 97 lbs. She was the only woman I introduced to the family. In those 37 years of knowing her, I never heard her speak ill of anyone. Soft spoken, never heard her curse and never nagged. There are two cardinal rules my boys and I follow at home. Be careful with her orchids, and be ready for Sunday church. No excuses, if you are at home, you will be going to church on Sundays except when you are sick. So even when I catch the red eye flight and come home on a Sunday morning, I am ready for church by 11:00 am, and be wide awake. She wins the argument by not arguing - the silent treatment she gave us sufficiently scares the living daylights out of us. If I have to secure obedience from my boys, all I have to say is "you will break your mother’s heart".

As I sipped my wine, I realized that I draw my strength from her. I remember twenty years ago, as we were having our Sunday breakfast, the phone rang, I answered and calmly said wrong number. The phone rang for the second time, wrong number, I responded again. The third time it rang, she said she will answer it. I froze, she listened patiently and at the end she said, “If he is at your apartment this afternoon, you will never hear from me; if he is not, I hope you will have the decency of not bothering this household again,” then she calmly hang up the phone. She finished her breakfast..., tears running down her cheek. There was an eerie silence.

After breakfast, I apologized. I said there was no justification for what happened, and I couldn't retrace my step back for resurrection. I asked her to look at her contribution to this, but I totally accepted the blame. If she wanted me out, all she had to do was pack my bag and I would leave. I would give sufficient family support and would give her whatever she asked. If she wanted to work it out, to pack for an instant vacation – we would figure out our destination along the way. My youngest was just a month old and my oldest was three. We packed our luggage and into the Colt Station Wagon. We drove along I-95 into I-64 along the Eastern Sea Board. For ten hours, stopping only for rest and food, we drove without direction. She never mentioned what happened – we ended up somewhere in North Carolina.

For the past few weeks, I never lost sight of her. I asked her if she enjoyed our California trip, she said, immensely. I know that we are both in the autumn of our years and are now enjoying each others' company. With her pending chemotherapy, rough road is ahead of us. We were looking at the different headgear for her – and I assured her that she will look pretty in them. She said I always have wandering eyes – I told her that I see with my heart, and I see the important things in my life. She smiled – she is reminded of that bookmark she gave me. "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye." (Antoine de St. Exupery).

Sisters

by Tita Virgie



A sister is a friend you never knew you had
She lifts your weary spirits when you're feeling sad.
She somehow finds the words to calm all your fears
And tries to make you smile even through your tears.

A sister is a reflection of us in the mirror
And as the years go by, similarities are clearer.
For sisters have a tie that is bound with love,
Sharing, caring and blessings from above.

A sister is a special gift of love.
sisters by birth, best friend by choice.
For there is no friend like a sister in calm
or stormy weather.

You are my best friend
Forever my sister, Forever My Friend.

I dedicate this poem to my one and only sister
Priscilla Pranada-Eroles
and all the sisters out there.

Love always,
tita Virgie Pranada-Wong

Change of Life

 by Tita Virgie

In  the infinity of Life, where I am
all is perfect and complete. Each one of us  
myself included, experienced the richness and
fullness of life, in ways that are meaningful to us.

I now look at the past with love and choose to
learn from my old experiences, there is no right or wrong, nor
good or bad. The past is over and done. There is
only the experience of the moment.

I love myself for bringing myself
through this past into this present moment. I share
what and who I am, for I know we are all
one in Spirit. All is well in my world.

I cross the bridges with joy and with ease.
Learning how Forgiveness of self and others
releases us.
change is good !!!!   body and mind....

BIRHEN MILAGROSA NA MANAOAG

by OS


Sakey ak ya madeboto ed Apo Baket na Manaoag tan agkoya nalingwanan so inpanpayawar nen Apo Baket ed siak .

December 19, 2004 - Akimisak ak tan amay kaanakan ko tan amay asawa to na alas onse yan asumpal na alas dose, kasumpal na misa inbakik imay asawa na kaanakan ko ya ipa-bless iramay sinaliw min kandila tan arom iran religious article diman ed gilig na kalsada- amay lugar ya pan-bless an daray luluganan.

Diad pan-alagar mi, inyorong min dua imay kaanakan ko diman ed lugar ya panseselselan na kandila ya aka-arap ak diman ed garden. Kabekta walay inmirong ya akolaw ya akapandong na amputi ya say kawes to et amputi tan walay awit ton karaanan ya basket. Say itsura mi ed irongan so nan-dikingan kami ed samay semento ya irongan, amay kaanakan ko et walad benegan min dua. Kairong to say kuanto ed siak “katon inmirong ak dia ed abay mo ta antak ya makatalos ka” kuanto. Kabekta in-kuanto ed siak “amayamay lay anak ko ya makakalingwan tan inmalis lara ed abong ko” balet wala met ira so pinmapawil la” inkuanto.

Siak balet say antak ayan akolaw et iistoryaen tod siak so anak to ed pamilya to. Kabekta say kuanto ed siak “ tulungan mo ak ya mandasal ed sarayan anak ko” Nen imbaga to lamet so “ARAYAN ANAK” ko et tinakiling ko so lupa to balet agko nanengneng ta amay pandong ton belo et akasakob ed lupa to, insan apansin ko ya kada onleksab imay belo to et itatagey ton tampol, insan say pankelawan ko ta asumpal lay misa tan wala met la ed paway AKIN ET AKA-BELO nin sinsya?

Nen ibabaga to imay kerew ton dasal et inkuanko ya “ON BAI ANGGANO AGKO KABAT ET IDADASAL KORAN AMIN LALO LA NA INTIRON MUNDO LALO LA ED ARAMAY MANGI-GIYERA. Kabekta nanbalikas lamet ya say kuanto “antam amayamay so onlesa ya saki-sakit” tan amayamay so ompatey gawa na “high blood pressure” tan sakit ed puso. Kasumpal to yan imbaga et angaot ak na 100 pesos ed bulsak tan inkuanko “ BAI PIALA YO YA SO 100 PESOS MAONG LABAT YA NAISALIW YO NA MERYENDA YO TANI PASADO ALAS DOSE LA ET SIGURO NARASAN KILA” Say kuanto “ ay Apo agak man-papayabol” balet inpilit ko, inala to tan inyan to ed samay kartamoneda to ya akakarga ed samay basket et diman ko anengneng ya say karga to et aramay karaanan ya libron dasalan (remember the old prayer books?) tan anggapoy karga ton kuwarta. Kabekta say kuanto “ anggapoy naiter kod sika no agsayay “holy water” ya akakarga ed absolute ya botelya, inkuanto ya no gabay mo yan danum so laka labat ED DIMAN ED RECTORY-k ya opisina ta wadman iray papari ya mangiter ed sika.

Anggad natan ayan absolute ya botelya et awit-awit ko diya ed kolaan ko. Kasumpal to ya inter imay holy water et intagey toy lima ton kawanan et dia lanti ya antak ya akolaw lara, say antak et nakaokolan da na tolong ya onalagey katon inkuanko ed samay kaanakan ko ya tolongan toy Bai ya onalagey, ‘ANDI APO inkuanto SARAG koni onalagey” nen akaalagey la , inyawat toy lima to ed siak tan samay kaanakan ko BALET SAY PANKELAWAN KO AKIN TA AKOLAW YA METMELANTING ET SAY DAKLAP NA LIMA TO ET SINGA DAKLAP NA BALEG YA LAKI. Anggano abenbenan ko so lima nen Bai et sinsya ya agko atakiling so lupa to ta asakuban na amay amputi ya belo. Kasumpal ton inderew so lima to et inkuanto ed siak GALA TA ONLA TA DIMAN ED ARAP NA ACACIA YA KAABAY TO IMAY SILEWAN NA KANDILA TA ABAYAG TO KALAN AALAGAREN, ayan bekta nen linma kami nen Bai diman ( FOR SO LONG THAT I’VE BEEN GOING TO MANAOAG SHRINE, I DIDN’T NOTICED THAT ON TOP OF THE ACACIA TREE, THERE’S A SCULPTURED IMAGE OF OUR LADY OF MANAOAG) insan nanbalikas ed siak ya inkuanto “ sarag mon mangala na arayay kandila ya napepelag dia insan sarag mon osaren no walay mankaokolay dasal na aray walay sakit balet ipatanir tan ikerew mo ed si Apo Baket ya natambal ira.

Ayan bekta et tinmangay ak tan nandasalak ed samay sculptured ya imahem nen Apo Baket et nen kaosdong ko ANGGAPO MET LA SI BAI, lapod pasado alas dose la katon daiset la so totoo ta asompal lay misa KATON NABANTAG MO ANGGAD GATE NO MANAAKAR NI
BAI, NAANDIPAT YA TAMPOL. Kabekta sinmabi imay asawa to imay kaanakan ko et tinepet ko no walay anenengneng ton akolaw ya akapandong na amputi ya pinmaway ANGGAPO AUNTIE kuanto.

Ayan manifestation ya na-encounter ko et inkunok ed samay classmate ko ya pari et inkuanto “ I believe that you just encountered one of APO BAKET’s many miracles in disguise of the old lady dressed in white”.

My encounter with APO BAKET happened on the 19th of December 2004, a week later TSUNAMI HAD STRUCK SEVERAL NATIONS THAT INCLUDEED THAILAND claiming million of lives. Natan ko amotektek imay kerew nen Bai ya tolongan kon mandasal para ed saray ANAK TO ya inaatey ed sayan TSUNAMI.

SO we or each and everyone of us ya madeboto ed si APO BAKET so idasal tayon lanang irayan inaatey nen TSUNAMI.

Piglat ni Ayat

by Queen
(request by a friend)

Wen man laengen
Sumbatan kan
Inay-ayat ka
Tandaanam dayta
Anya man maaramid
Haan mo lipatan
Inayat ka,ay-ayaten ka---


"Ahhh! Sabong ti bibig
No duwa nga puso ket nagsarak
Ramaken na amin
Awan makalepped"...


Sinurot dalan ni Ayat
Nasarakak kinunak
Ragsak inyindayonnak
Haanen makaturog
Haanen makapangan
Tinubwan kammoro
Toktok iti agong..
Anya daytoy a rikna?
INLOVE kan kabsat
Dakessen kinunak...


Awan dakes na
Inayat nak-inayat ko isuna
Nagtikep duwa a Puso
Bimmunga!!!
Nagsapata da a duwa!!!


Dimteng ti Bagyo
Nabual da a duwa
Nabati RAMOT a maysa..


Ti rugi na,immangin a bigla
Intudo na,inkimat
Ingur-ruod na sika (bagyo)...


Haan kon nalappedad
Immarubos iti luwa
Inriyaw ko apay kastoy
Ni AYAT! No daddoma
Komillo ti dalan na!!!!


Epey-peyeng ko laengen
No malagip ko sika
Esem-esemak laengen
Makitak litrato nabiag
A nakapinta...


Sakit ti nakem?
Awan kanyakon dayta..
Kuna da garod
Haan nga para kanyata a duwa...


Piglat ni Ayat Nagmarka
An-anwem man,adatta latta
Maysa laengen nga lagip,
Pakalaglagipan a kunada..


"parad saramay atibakyang"
agkayo kumon umbabarong,
Imis kayo labat...


P.s.,mahal pa rin kita...

Nabalitukan A Gamet

 by Queen

Kumustan?
Maysa nga ubing,naiyanak,nasayaat,naembag...
Ay Biag,..Adda kiyad adda Un-nat
Sangka birok-sangka iyapoy,
Basta awan agsakit,naragsak..
Kilabban,inkirog..inyinom kape,
Integ-ab,bus-sog,..Ay salamat nabsog!!
Aguray ta Kumanta ak..
Kansiyon me,kenni apong lakay
Daydi pay nabiag...
Narigat iti mannalon,nasapa a bumangon
Alaen na tay bunubon,ipan na diay taltalon
Sumampet iti rabei,biroken na iti basi
Uminom sanga bote,maturog awan koti...
Puy-poy-yapong nagsida kami tarong
Tarong nga inlambong,ngem apan met kinalong
tay aso nga agu-uyong..
Pagraramanan ta iso iti biag,
Rigat ken nam-ay,..
Ni APO DIOS pagkamangan...
Paskua manen,manarimaan,
Pinagbalkot,sagbabas-sit
nga maited,basta nagtalinaed
iti Pusom nga nangited..
Makita-Mangeg,Ragsak tay nakaawat,
Riknaem tay PUSOM,..
Kabog!!!-Kabog!!! Nagsayaaten.